whats been up in my world

Nothing much has changed im still pretty much depressed and now im sulking. To further agitate my depression my BF kicked my ass to the fucking curb! WOW! I aint gone lie I was upset and angry at the same time but me being who I am would not let anyone know that I was hurt. Deep down inside. I wanted to fall out and scream because I love him. I LOVE HIM DEARLY. I never meant to hurt him in whatever way I did but I wanted him to appreciate me for being who I was to him. I wanted to feel loved and wanted and he couldnt do it. I considered myself to be a good man, but he saw differently. I never once cheated on him because my love for him wouldnt let and I learned to cope with our problems. But maybe its what I truly wanted because at times I felt crowded and other times I felt used. I ran him away with my attitudes and the chatting with various people on adam4adam which was nothing but pure entertainment for me. I never once met anyone off there nor have I done anything with anyone. Most of my attitudes was because I wanted love, affection, intimacy, and attention from him. Now I sit here and sulk in my own self pity. It has put me into a state of withdrawal and bitterness. I keep my phone powered off 85% of the time now. Hell I havent talked to my best friends "The Royal Family." Cash and Dalilbbrown came to kick down my down cause I wouldnt let them in. You would think that by me hiding my car and not answering the door they would go away and let me drink my bacardi in peace. No, they beat on the windows, rang the doorbell, knocked on the door and talked outside my door, "open the door, we know you in there." Finally I opened it and they finished decorating my tree and took me to get something to eat.
Ive been going through separation anxiety from him not being there. Life has been different with him not laying in bed with me at night kicking me and leaving the tv on at night waking me up. I dont get up in the morning and when I get out the shower saying "babe get up, its time for work or come on before we're late for work. No one is helping me to bring in my groceries or bring in the laundry after I did it. No one is helping me to decide whats for dinner. Its all different for me since I had became acclamated to him being there quite often. LIFE GOES ON I know but it hurts now. As of today we have not spoken in 5 days. I can say I have grown up cause the old me would have jumped on the opportunity to FUCK all the boys down in Chicago but suprisingly I havent and I have not touched adam4adam since he has been gone. Next time im online at home I might as well delete it since all people want to do is have me to come and FUCK their brains out anyway.
Thanks for the hugs and words of encouragement during this tough time. I'm better and im alive. I just been planning and trying to negotiate rental car prices between the companies. They are fuckin crazy thinking some wants to pay $5o0 dollar for a fucking weekend. Hell I can get a flight, room, and rental for that much. And All of them are stunts. Ill keep looking until its time for us to leave. Me and Cash are leaving Chicago on the 11th to get to Tooroyal and Datsexynig and we should arrive early Friday morning.