Just broke down

Have you ever had so much going on in your life that you just wanted an outlet? Just thought it would be over/better if you just died? Felt that no one was there to help you through it?Over the last couple weeks thats exactly how I felt... Just done, Just broke down, trapped with no escape plan. I was ready to throw in the towel.. I had a mental breakdown and was just ready to die. I have been at war for the longest with me and the world. A war that maybe I sometimes caused or other internal and external factors. My life right now is in shambles and not going exactly how I planned it to be going. I have crossed this street before and I didnt think I would ever come to it again. But it was predestined for me for my trials and tribulations were mapped out for me prior to my birth. I've totally been stripped of everything in this world that meant anything to me. I completely lost focus to the point where I did know my own name anymore. I have been walking around like a zombie. No clue as to whats going to happen next! Can it really get any worse? I hope not cause I cant take anymore. I am so broke right now that I dont know how I keep food in my stomach and gas in my car. Then the fact that I am not moving out of my aunts house made me feel even worse. I felt like my point on this earth was to live in poverty and be a no body. I had come to the point where I was totally withdrawn and unfocused on life. Yesterday I came to this point where it was time to end it. I called my mom and said "I give up" She became really upset and hysterical and wanted to know where I was. I was driving around with no place in purpose. Finally I decided it would be best for me to go church.. we were having a revival... My heart was heavy and I could feel the pain in my chest. I was blanking out and all I remember her saying was "whatever it is, it cant be that bad". I felt like a failure and I felt like everything I looked at, touched, or even thought about crumbled. I make 30k a year and I have nothing to show for it. I wanted to cry and just crash my car. But with some encouraging words from my momma Im still alive! I was so hurt when I arrived at church that I couldnt even get into the service right away. For many different emotions were running through my body all at once. I had to immediately begin to pray to have a change of heart, forgiven, for my ears to hear the word intended for me. I recieved a good word and made my way to the Alter for a little layin face down for more prayer. I felt a whole lot better. Then the Guest Pastor walked to the back where I was sitting and hugged me and told me you will never be the same again. Its feel good to have a testimony. I woke up this morning feeling better. Today I had lunch with an associate and we're working on rekindling our old friendship. I actually talked to him about some things I told him how I felt. Sometimes I just want someone to talk, so they will listen, maybe say a couple comments, not make me feel bad about my feelings, or talk mess about me behind my back. And like I said before becareful of your dealings with people... you never know who is scheming, plotting, and trying to root you as I have learned from this past weekend. This weekend I am going to go away to clear, free, relax my mind. I got 2 of 3 places already in thought. I aint got no money... but Ill do what I got to do to get away this weekend.