Am I?

Upon sitting back and thinking about many different things I began to question myself? Why am I am mean. I thought about it cause people have made me that way and It makes me leave up a permanent defense mechanism. People act as if I am not a human. I breathe the same air that they breath, have the same red blood running through my body, and live my life as any other man born from the womb of a woman. Am I not supposed to have feelings? Am I not supposed to display signs melancholy when someone or something angers me? Am I not supposed to express myself and say what it is when something or someone has upset me? Am I not supposed to not talk to my friends about those many different things? I always thought that if nothing else your friends were someone you could depend on. But now I see thats not the case, instead when you do these things you are ostracized and made to seem to have a problem simply because you have the wrong perception of what your friends are for. All my life I have tried to be there for anyone and do anything someone asked me. I could always be counted on to do whatever it was.
This is a special friend who is very dear to me: All my life, I have always cared about others. I wanted to make people feel good about themselves. I would say things that they would want to hear, just to keep their spirits up. I would get such a thrill if I could make someone smile. When I first meet you I immediately saw the good in you and I wanted to get to know you more. As the days, weeks, and months went by you became a very special person to me. I began to grow a love for you that is unconditional and it won’t go away. You gave me the attention that I never had before. You made me feel that it is possible to be liked and even loved by someone other than a family member. It’s a certain feeling that I get when I am around you that I can’t explain. That’s why its hard for me to say things to you because I don’t want to hurt you. Like I said before, I always consider peoples feelings before I say anything negative or positive. Since its hard for me to say it then I will try to write it. I love you for who you are no matter what the situation or circumstance. I will always be here for you through thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and in health. Wait... Wait that almost sounds like marriage. Well, I am not trying to go there yet. When ever we would get together we would always have a good time, it didn’t have to be sex related. We would just enjoy each others company, I still do. We were closer then, than we are now. But back then, I just couldn’t understand why you would push me away when I got too close. I thought it was something wrong with me. I would often put on a front and say that I didn’t like you like that when I really did. I always played the tough role, I never wanted you to know or see me cry. Yeah it had hurt me when you told me about your DIPS, because I could never figure out what I was doing wrong to make you go to them. I understand now. Whenever you told me to do something or go somewhere with you I was/am there. Even right now today. If I am talking to someone on the phone and you call on the other line, I talk to you no matter who the person is. Being your friend has been such a blessing to me and don’t want to ever lose you. You taught me many things, like standing up for myself and how to be a better person. I know that you are going through many trials and tribulations. I wanted to let you know that it is only a test, and God will pull you through it. Friendship is a beautiful thing and when you have a true friend you know it. Many of your friends care deeply about you and would be devastated if you weren’t around. I know because I am one of them.
What is the value you place on Friendship? My Values? What I am seeking? Maybe I ask for to much or expect to much from people. I have always thought I was a pretty good judge of character when it come to people. But now before I call anyone my friend I will better examine and see what type of individual that I am dealing with. The next time I open my mouth to call some a friend I will first make sure we have some of the values and commonalities in our friendship because I've learned that it makes a friendship more stable.
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary says that a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem”. I'm sure you'll agree with that definition, but there is so much more to add to it if you want to find friends that you can have a long lasting, mutually beneficial, relationship with. This is what I am seeking, and surprisingly enough I find these qualities in older woman. I guess they have been there and played the games that the young people play. Until Later if there is something else to add Ill add it.