Holding on to your dreams

Listening to Byron Cage BLESS THE LORD

Why does everyone in the world think that I am the one to take on they're problems. Well yesterday I worked both jobs and low and behold as soon as I got off my damn phone started ringing. I was trying to go to Co-workers (New name: Momma D) house to do my laundry. First it was my god sister calling me telling me that her check engine light came on. Well that wasnt so bad because at the most I would have to go and pick her up to take her back home. So I started doing an assessment over the phone and then I told her to rush it out to Toyota ASAP. Well Ill say its exactly what I said it was. I got some mechanic skills in me. Then my lil sister calls me and tells me her car stopped. Damnit I jus bought the car 2 weeks ago and this is the 2nd time it has stopped. I have spent like a grand trying to get it running for her. Well this time I diagnosed it as being the timing chain. Damn, so I was on the phone for what seemed like hours getting the towing service to have the car towed back to Chicago she was all the way out in Bollingbrook. All I knew was that I was not going to be pushing it with my car back from there and basically there was nothing I could do anyway but call a tow truck. Then I had to have a big brother talk with her. I began by saying " I know that it seems like everything in the world seems to be going against you but dont be discouraged. For all you know GOD is sparing your life cause you could have been killed. She was ok with that and we went on to my house. My Guy Dekalb truly pissed me off last night. I wanted to beat the shit out of him. Here he had a final to do for his class and the professor told him what he could not do. Well somewhere somehow he thought he could do what the hell he wanted.. Sure.. But it didnt work. So I ended up having to do the final for him like it was my shit. Then I began to think about how I let got off my dream. I have always wanted to go to college... So I went and got my bachelors and then I wanted to get my masters. I remember my last semester in college and I applied for grad school and got accepted. YAY! I thought... In about a years time Ill have a bachelors and a masters. I was dating this guy I call The A that I had been seeing for about 2 years. He had graduated exactly one year earlier and had moved back home. So I sat down enrolled in classes and was due back to school that January to begin working on my masters. I graduated Saturday and Monday I had an interview and got the job and is still here almost 2 years later. I was like damn I got a job and this nigga is in the chicagoland area. I can make this work. So I withdrew from all my classes so I could stay home and be closer to him because I loved him. Do you know I ended up breaking up with him the next month exactly 4 days before Valentines day because I couldnt take it no more. I was tired of being used for sex, feeling unappreciated, and basically treated like shit. It sent me into a deep depression cause here I deferred my dream to be with some nigga who didnt want me. I lost the person I thought I truly loved. I lost my freedom cause I ended up having to sublet my apartment because I was working back in Chicago. I lost it all... Materialistic things never can make up for something like this. Listen everyone never put off a dream for anyone.... Today is Co-worker/Momma D's last day. Im kinda sad because I have gotten used to her being her everyday and us talking shit back and forth to one another everyday. But as she embarks upon her new journey to Loyola for a Masters...I think Maurice will be embarking upon a journey of his to get a MS behind this name.

INTERN

Yesterday the intern was on me like white on rice, shit on stank, you get the picture. Its like now she is coming to areas of the office where I sit to see what im doing. She calls to see what im doing. LOL.. So finally I asked her why she didnt call me... She claimed she didnt feel well. So I told her Im seeing someone. She was looked at me and instantaneously got mad with me for being with someone else. What else was I suppose to do but be honest. Damn people get mad at you for being honest or when they catch you up in your lie. Im not a good liar so i just dont do it. She was pretty mad at me but everytime we crossed paths she was telling me that I still like you. I said ok cool. What about do you like about me? Your cute, smart, witty, funny, lovable, and from what I see a person to be around. As black as I am it made me blush. LORD knows that I cant do it. Then she started telling one of my co-workers that I was mean but in the next breath saying that I still like you. At one point she was trying to back it up on the pipe. Im saying to myself Dekalb is gone kick that ass girl. I cant do anything for her, IM practically Married(something to be discussed later). After I got off work I went back furniture shopping and finally I got couches and a loveseat. I will get end table for another store cause there was no way I was going to spend another 500 in the store on some tables when I can get them cheaper. Then there is Dekalb2 who is freshly graduated from NIU and knows that it is time for my boo Dekalb1 to go back to NIU. So he is trying to get close to me again. He calls me yesterday and the first thing he said was hey baby. LOL.. I said hey Dekalb! Im not your baby. Then he went into his spill about me acting funnu since I got a BF now and that there is no time in my schedule for him.. LOL.. Well he had his chance. Then this morning the texts I got from him telling me that my dick was great and that I was a good man and he misses me. Well he once again I told him he had his chance and that he show have appreciated me while he had me. He summed it up by saying he was stupid and regret the fact that he made those bad choices. Touch Titty! Me and Chiblknasn have finally come up with the date and time for the housewarming. Im sorry guys bout the invitations not being sent out but Go to Chiblknasn for them cause I forwarded all the necessary info to him. Can someone help me out with the menu! I am not sure what I want have served.... This morning I was just in an uproar because of my hormones raging. I know some of you are thinking DAMN his guy aint putting out, but he is.. I dont want to wear his body out. I think it needs a rest and mine does too to replenish itself. I been thinking that is me and my guy a match made in heaven?

Changes in my life

Listening too: Your next in Line for a Miracle Shirley Ceaser
Today I want to talk about the changes in my life some good and some not so good. First I am so unhappy with the changes I have made in the last 60 days. Damn I was doing so good losing weight and had lost alot but now im back to being a fat ass. I had lost like 40lbs and got down to a 38 waist. Now I have gained about 20 of the 40 back and im back into a 40-42.. I got my ass back but that aint important I would rather be slim. Its all because im in love with a chocolate man that so much can be done with. I really love when he comes out the oven and is the right golden color. Other is the late night food that my guy likes to eat. I mean we usually get home about 10pm or later and then he wants to eat. I say no and then he persists that you eat with him.. so then im up eating and shit. Then other changes I am happy with: They include me being comfortable being me.. accepting who I truly am. I never realized how horrible I used to act until I lost this one guy whom I liked alot and of course when people reflect on the past. I remember I went to springfield one weekend and we were on our way out and I made a comment about us being gay in public and after he was done fucking with me. He doesnt even want to be my friend just because of that. I guess I was one of those "grown men around who lick they're dicks sucked but then shady in public(Springfield)." I was horrible and there is no getting around it. I remember when me and Winthrop would fight because I would be bi one moment and the next straight and holier than most. Boy was I a trip. Im comfortable as hell now.. to the point where I even show affection to my guy in public.. I dont act like that anymore... Hell im 25 yrs old now.. I would hope that I improved since March of 2005 and especially the years before. Im comfortable being me now..Im sitting here thinking about the old blog I wrote about in my other blog. Feel free to read it im attaching a link.

What do I do?

Listening too: Jesus Will by The Barrett Sisters
Well a short little update on the relationship issue. Mr. Maurice is not on the market after all. We reconciled some of our differences and made up. I want to thank all for the words of encouragement. I have to give it to him it took a big man to admit he was wrong and that he wants to improve his behavior. My mom wants me to go with her to the funeral homes and start pricing and picking out the funeral home that were going to use for my grandfather who is slowly dying from cancer which is near the end of its course. I dont like death and this is possibly going to be a hard year for me dealing with death. So far 2 people i know are dead one being my grandma. Damn how can you go from having all 4 of your grandparents alive to possibly 2 within months. But none of us no the time nor place in which we will expire on this earth. I just hope that when I do make my transition to be with my father I am surrounded my family. Whats bothering me is the fact that people read my blog and cant comment on the blog but they send me texts, call me, or hit me up on messenger to tell me they're comment. I find that really strange. Then to already had to my already thinking weird the Intern at my job tells me to come here and then she plants a big one on me. " I think I like you" im like wow! This is deep. I dont know what to do because I dont want to hurt her. She is a really pretty lady and is getting her masters in counseling. GOD BLESS HER! She is from INDIA and has a long ass name. Hey if I married her.. she has to take my full name. A M MC... That may be cute. But Mr. Dekalb aint gone kick my ass for messing with someone and especially no girl. Then my boss is on to us.. she calls me in the office and said "leave that girl alone" I aint messing with her. Well stay away from that office. LOL.. Whatever! Well im going to end it here and go look for furniture cause im hoping to have my place laid by the housewarming and if not most def by the time I come back from ATL.

Feelings

Listening to: GOD BLOCKED IT!

Dang its been about 3 weeks since I been in the blog expressing my thoughts. During these 3 weeks so much has went on. For the most part I would say GOD has been giving me FAVOUR and so many things have been going on where I was blessed on every hand. My little brother wrecked my car and now the person he had the accident with is claiming that he hit him. But my fucking car is tore up from the side. So now Im fighting back with Statefarm because I aint paying for shit. I went to Indianapolis this past weekend to visit my family and then can you believe that it was a sniper on the road shooting at people for no reason. I was rolling on the way back sometimes up to 100mph hey its harder to hit a moving target. Then the perfect relationship I thought I had seems to be on the rocks! Well it seems to me that I come second best to everything when its concerning him. He does not pay attention to me anymore and it seems that if i want attention I have to start a fight or say something off the wall. Who ever thought that Food, a TV, an Ipod,and the computer could take priority over your guy. Im at the point where now im like lets just be friends but he doesnt want that. This would come after yesterday being our one year anniversary of meeting one another. In alot of ways I see the gemini and the Pschology major coming out. I did things just to see if he even paid attention to me. NOPE, i was just as stationary/ not important as my Papa San chair he likes to sit in. All he said to me was whats wrong with you and can you fix me some rice. So I continued on the net looking at emails and cropping pictures. I have not said much to him lately and was hoping that maybe he would say I was being mean and want to go home but he didnt. Last night we slept in the same bed and didnt touch. Damn, if I cant have sex then can I get some kind of attention from you. On the way to work this morning he was asking me once again what was wrong with me. Once again I said nothing why do you say so? "Cause you have not talked in the last couple of days. I didnt say nothing but then I decided to get it off my chest. I' m tired of being second best to everything in the world. Which lead to a short discussion and a phone call when I got to work. A lot has to be discussed and I will keep ya updated. Is Mr. Maurice back on the market... Stay Tuned....

The New Boys Town

Can you believe I have left my cell phone home? Yes and I know i got hella missed calls and texts. Well Im finally settled in my place and boy am I still tired from the move. Friday was the first night I spent the night in the house with my boo. Saturday, I could not find a Fucking truck to move my shit. I reserved it earlier and by saturday they still had not found me a truck. When I woke up first then I did was call Uhaul and they told me that they would get someone to call me back in 2 hours. Well 2 hours rolled around and still no truck. So I ended up having to move in my 2 cars and my aunts Jeep which took all fucking day and 3 loads later I was in there. Then I had to go back to my aunts house to clean up. My other aunt was there and she thought I was going to move something . Not a chance in hell. I cleaned up my room and went out the door. Of course later back at the apartment I had to start getting shit organized. I never thought people could be so lazy. Well Im talking about my guy and my sister. They pissed me off. Well I set the bed up and my sister went and got in it like she was not going to do shit and she meant she wasnt. My guy sat in the middle of the floor with the laptop and the IPOD looking at me move shit around. Im looking like WTF if you are not going to help then please have the descency to move out of my path so I can get things straightened out. NOPE.. so I walked over him and a few times he got hit and kicked but it was his own fault for not moving. Sunday, we had my mom a suprise birthday party because she is always doing something for someone. Monday was back to work and more work. Tuesday, we were off for Independence day. I was mad because it didnt make sense to be off one day in the middle of the week like that and have to go back. How many of you had to work like that? Finally I have made some progress with the apartment. Well the kitchen is 85% complete, the Front room is 85% Complete, Bathroom needs 100% more work, the dining room area needs about 85%more work, and the bed room needs about another 50%. My mom made me curse her out because she wants to call me and tell me about what I need to do for my father. He needs, he wants, you should! How about I dont give a fuck. This man has done nothing for me in 25+ years and here she wants me to act like he has been the perfect father and that I should be able to turn the other cheek. I dont desire to have a relationship with him, I dont desire to know him and I believe that if he died today I wouldnt go to his funeral. Im sick and tired of her thinking I should be his son. If she keeps it up then we will have the same type of relationship. Today is my grandmothers birthday the one that passed in May. So Im kinda sad because I have been thinking about her alot and I still can not believe that she is dead! I just wish that could have extended her life because she left this lunatic here on this earth for people to deal with. Lastly, "The New Boy's Town" well thats what I will call my block and the few adjacent blocks. All of the people in the neighborhood are gay. When I drive up and down the streets all I see is Dykes and Fags in such enormous numbers. Hell I even met one guy whom we will call east side of the street. LOL.. he was cool. LORD, the gay parade might be held on my block next year!